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Interesting Questions |
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your @rse?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
My Mother was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my Father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
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Female Laws To Live By |
The female always make the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all times.
The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all times.
Thank you to Spike Marvin in Scotland for the above
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Interesting Questions contd. |
If swimming is such exercise, why are whales fat?
If a word is spelled wrong in the dictionary, how would you know?
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a cat always lands on its feet and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Do cows have calf muscles?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
What does OK actually mean?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone can't hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st/January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?
What would happen if everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
Why is it you're 'in' a film, but you're 'on TV'?
Do ducks sneeze?
Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
Can crop circles be square?
Can you cry under water? |
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WHY MEN ARE
NEVER DEPRESSED: |
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You get better chance of being Prime Minister.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another service station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £1000. Suit rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
You are not afraid of spiders.
One wallet and one pair of shoes
One colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Thanks to Peter in the Midlands |
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Meet some of the great-looking team!
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Castle Print & Design
in partnership with
The Roman Group
Centurion House, Woodside Road, Southbourne, Bournemouth, Dorset, BH5 2BA
Tel: 01635 255 552 / FreeFax: 0800 389 7262
Use your Smartphone QR reader to scan our contact details.
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CONTACT US HERE WITH YOUR
PRINTING QUERY OR FOR REQUESTING SAMPLES
We will deal with your enquiry as soon as possible
You can also call us on: 01635 255 552 |
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MEET THE TEAM! |
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Ron Hill
(Partner, Sales/Costings)
Tel: 01635 255 552
Contact: < contact Ron > |
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Contact Ron if you need any information regarding materials, 4 colour work, pricing etc.
Ron recently led an expedition to the Majal region in north-eastern Tibet in search of the near-extinct 3-toed albino mountain lion. The expedition was abandoned after the team doctor was savagely attacked by a wounded Sherpa who had previously left the team to make a solo attempt (blindfolded) at scaling Tibet's 5th highest peak Mt. Kanburo.
Ron's passion is golf and he can often be found at the 19th hole of our local club.
| Ron also likes pasties, green socks and food mixers and his hobbies include mixing concrete and logistical navigation. |
Breaking News: Derek, the wounded Sherpa unfortunately failed in his attempt at scaling Mt. Kanburo blindfolded due to navigation errors, and was last seen operating the gherkin slicing machine at Macdonalds, Katmandu. |
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Contact Debbie if you need any information regarding general sales enquiries.
Debbie is a keen wine buff and is fluent in 33 languages, including Welsh.
She recently represented England in the International Break Dancing Championships in which she came 83rd.
See here for a fantastic picture of Debbie in action. |
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Debbie is a keen musician and recently won a scholarship to the Bulgarian Nose Flute Academy.
Unfortunately, she had to decline their offer as she is still under contract as Musical Relaxation Officer to the Lhakpa Nyima Clinic (Katmandu branch) for Sherpas Suffering from Vertigo. |
| Debbie's hobbies include: glass blowing, knitting & nose hair removal. |
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Breaking News: Regular readers will be sad to learn that Debbie's pet Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Pig (no, not her husband) (see pic here), suffered an unprovoked attack by a vicious car park attendant on a recent trip to theme park Alton Towers.
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On arrival at the scene, medics determined there was nothing they could do to save the car park attendant. Debbie was held for questioning by the police, but later released on bail with a warning not to take the law into her own hands. |
Debbie pictured leaving Stafford Police Station |
Doris, her sister (see pic here) has written to the European Courts for Human Rights, and Rolf Harris, to make a formal complaint about Debbie's treatment.
Brenda, the pig, has made a full physical recovery but is receiving ongoing psychiatric treatment to deal with the trauma of this terrible incident.
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Paul Hruza BSc
(Graphics / Website Guy / Tea Boy)
Send msg: < HERE > |
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Contact Paul if you need any information regarding preparing artwork for print, or if you just need tips on looking great!
Paul was recently voted Berkshire's most eligible bachelor by Printing Weekly magazine. Apart from the fact he has a wife and 3 kids he is very proud of this achievement.
Paul works as a stunt man in his spare time. He recently featured in the hit movie Mission Impossible 2 in which he can be seen leaping from a 3 storey building. Unfortunately, he missed the airbag and broke both ankles on impact. He tried to claim off the insurance but was told he didn't have a leg to stand on.
Regular readers of this column may have noticed that Paul now has the title BSc after his name. It has taken many years of struggle and hardship to achieve this status and Paul is understandably very proud to be recognised with this honour. In his own words, "I've only been swimming for 38 years and finally have the recognition that very few achieve. I'm very proud of my Bronze Swimming Certificate and would like to publicly thank all the staff at Glodwick Public Baths (Oldham) for their tireless help and support".
When not working out at the local gym, Paul can be found riding his beloved Kawasaki Vulcan VN1500 Classic, Honda Varadero XL1000 or Honda XR350, but not at the same time.
| Paul's hobbies include ironing, flower arranging, arm wrestling and making his own party frocks. |
Liz Glen
(Accounts)
Tel: 01635 255 552 |
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Many of you may recognise Liz as she recently appeared on Gok Wan's new series of 'How To Look Good In A Hairnet'.
In Liz's own words, "It's great to see hairnets coming back into fashion as I find them such an attractive addition to one's wardrobe. However, there are a lot of jealous people around who say things like 'It makes you look older', which I think is complete and utter rubbish. I'm 25 now, so you can't expect me to look like I did when I was 18!"
"Even my Mum wants one now, which is really embarrassing. She'll be wanting to come to Bingo with me next. Parents just don't get it do they? They're always trying to copy our tastes and fashions, but they just make fools of themselves!"
"Like, if I said to her: 'Mother, why iz ya always hassling me? Go away an' th'o't about it or I'll git ma mates ta sort ya out. and git Sheniquah's ass back ova' heeah" LOL, she woudn't have a clue what I was saying cos she's square, not cool like me."
"A lot of people ask me what's so special about hairnets, well I tell them they only have to read what the celebrities are saying about them."
For instance, here's some testimonials from the magazine Celebrity Hairnet Monthly:
Cheryl Cole |
Says Cheryl
"I first spotted Susan Boyle wearing one of these, so just had to get my own like. It's fantastic like.
Since wearing it, my hair always looks great like.
Ok, I still can't sing but at least now I look like I can like." |
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H.R.H. Princess Anne |
Says H.R.H.
"You know when you get up in the morning and your hair's all greasy and you look really shit, well this hair net is brilliant as it saves you having to fetch someone to wash your hair." |
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Beyonce |
Says Beyonce
"Sometimes when I nip out to the
off-licence to pick up a packet of cigs, it starts raining and I can't be arsed to go back for the brolly, so I just dig out my hair net and life's good." |
Says Liz, "Ok, you'll always look crap compared to them because they're big stars and you're not."
"So, c'mon Sisters, if you want to look really wicked isnt' it, then go grab a net. (I made that slang up, good or what?)."
| Liz's hobbies include: typing, deer stalking, Bingo (not Thursdays though as she has Salsa classes), and fixing broken calculators. |
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Katherine Saunders
(Reception)
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Katherine will normally be the first person to speak to when contacting us.
Katherine has recently joined our team after spending 3 months working as a senior design technician in the particle accelerator section for a very large UK-based company. "Mothercare has been very good to me", says Katherine, "but times change, and a new challenge was just what I needed".
Katherine and her dancing partner Leonard recently represented the South Dorset Ballroom Dancing Association, winning a bronze medal in the agility & poise category at the Albert Hall.
"I've always loved dancing", says Katherine, "but was gutted when I realised me and Len only got a bronze! We were definitely the best dancers that night and deserved gold. My Mum reckoned it was because of Len's bowel problem. It always happens when he's a bit nervous, but I try not to think about it. Even Brian, the St. John's ambulanceman, said it was an honour to be chosen as medical advisor for the evening, although he wasn't that impressed dealing with Len's problem."
"The Albert Hall Home for the Elderley in Bournemouth has always been a great venue as the accoustics are fabulous. They even laid on a 3 course meal for all the dancers! The van driver who delivered the food said the residents of the Home would be a bit short on carrots that evening as he had made sure we all had extra helpings. I could easily get used to this star treatment!
"Being a celebrity is not without its problems though, in fact, the very next day I was recognised in the Post Office and it took me nearly half an hour to get out. Mind you, it was lunchtime and they were a bit short staffed but nevertheless, it's just another facit of my life I have to live with."
"Paul thinks he's a big shot now, after appearing on the Apprentice, but everyone knows who the real star is! I mean, which makes better viewing, some idiot prancing about sucking up to Sir Alan Sugar, or the tasteful elegance and sophistication only an exponent of the classical artform of dance can bring to the equation? "
Katherine is currently receiving medical treatment.
| Katherine's hobbies include: ballroom dancing, ten-pin bowling, badminton, astronomy, looking for lost golf balls, shopping, ironing & equine psychoanalysis. |
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Dave Butcher
(Credit Controller)
Tel: ex. dir
Contact: not available |
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Dave has just joined us after working for 3 years as Junior Orthodontist at the Simon Cowell International Teeth-Whitening Academy in Norwich.
Prior to that, he was Head of Security at Billingsgate Fish Market in London. He tells us this demanding position taught him the neccessary skills to deal with any breach of security issue. We have yet to see his credentials, but Dave tells us he is trained in all major martial arts and is often heard to say, 'don't mess with me, or else'. I was personally threatened by Dave, (at his interview), so I am not sure how he actually got a position here in our company.
He originally applied for the position of guillotine operator so I am not sure how he got to be credit controller, and this is still being looked into.
Dave is single and enjoys cooking, plane-spotting,
mud-wrestling and is the raffle coordinator for the
South Dorset Extreme Ironing Association. |
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Many of you may have recently seen the BBC2 series
'The Apprentice'.
Paul applied as a candidate for one of the early series and was quickly recognised to be a superb businessman, with the killer instinct so necessary in this dog-eat-dog world we live in.
Sir Alan was so impressed with Paul's boyish good-looks, his witty charm and business acumen, that he immediately arranged for Paul to take control of his Hong Kong operation.
The downside to this was that Paul would not be available to appear on the program, but alternatively, would act as Sir Alan's chief advisor on the forthcoming series. (Honest!! Look, pictures don't lie!!)
Unfortunately, Hong Kong hasn't quite happened yet as Paul was arrested en-route for slapping a lady boy in Tiger Joe's Tavern, in downtown Phuket. He was trying on a pair of lycra cycling shorts at the time, purchased from a visiting timeshare salesman from Benidorm, when the altercation took place.
His psychiatrist has since made an appeal on Paul's behalf, stating that he was wrongfully arrested as the lady boy mistook Paul for Bob Monkhouse. Paul has since apologised to Mr Monkhouse and has returned the travel documents found in the Ikea chest of drawers with laminated top in Mr Monkhouse's dressing room at the London Palladium.
All charges have now been dropped, apart from the streaking incident last Christmas at the Blackpool Theatre Royal, featuring Jim Davidson as Aladdin with a great supporting cast and the Albert Todd Orchestra.
Insider News!!
"Being on the inside of such a wonderful programme brings back many happy memories" says Paul. " Obviously, my contract forbids me to speak about all my experiences, but I remember one day outside the boardroom.
The candidates were nervously waiting to be called into the boardroom, and I was chatting to the receptionist. Six of the candidates suddenly started kicking and punching Saira.
Sir Alan walks in and says to me, 'Aren't you going to help?'
I said, 'No, six should be enough.' He laughed!
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Disclaimer
All the above text is based on fact. No pictures have been 'doctored' in any way. OK, I lied about the pig. - Paul |
The identity of BBC Top Gear's
'The Stig' finally revealed!
The Stig has now blown his cover and revealed all. 'Mouse Over' the above pic to see the true identity of this television legend.
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Breaking News! |
Celebrity Testimonial from 'The Stig'.
"Hi, my name is The Stig. You may have seen me on BBC2's Top Gear. I recommend Castle Print & Design for all my stationery requirements. Their service is second to none. I've just received my latest brochure and it looks great! I always use Castle Print & Design because they all look great. Paul and I spend lots of time together talking about fashion and stuff like that. He's great". |
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Are you a fan of BBC's Masterchef?
Yep, me too.
Want to see some incredible footage of what
really goes on behind the scenes?
Just click on the photo below!
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Kids! Bless 'em!
Answers to history tests and Sunday school quizzes given by children between 5th and 6th grade in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
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SCAM WARNING - Please don't be taken in as I was.
Over the last month I became the victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into my local Tesco for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we've been having.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Morrisons in Basingstoke. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.
So be warned!
Paul
P.S. Lidl have wallets on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look much nicer. |
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Declaration of Revocation
by John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation. |
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With all the news on TV lately about the extreme weather conditions affecting the East coast of the US , the mud slides in the Middle East and South America, along with the dire predictions made by such films as The Day After Tomorrow, we shouldn't forget that Britain has its share of devastation too.
I've attached a photo illustrating the damage caused to a friend's home from the earthquake that hit Lincolnshire the other night. I just hope they can get things back to normal very quickly. It would be awful to have to endure these conditions for too long.
It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things for granted. This is the sort of thing that happens to other people, but it could so easily have been you or me. |
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Universal Truths |
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
You never ever run out of salt.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. |
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Contribute!
If you've enjoyed reading this far then why not make my task easier and send in an amusing joke or short story.
How about some amusing pics?
C'mon, don't be shy!
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LOOKING FOR
Kids! Bless 'em! Very amusing answers given by kids to a school quiz! ??
<CLICK HERE> |
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Famous Quotations |
"I was so incensed I was trembling with anger. I couldn't believe what I had heard."
Footballer Ashley Cole,on being told Arsenal was prepared to pay him just £55,000 a week, not the £60,000 he had demanded. |
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"London is extremely expensive. It is better to rent."
Chelsea's Michael Ballack, who earns just £130,000 a week. |
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How long is red tape? |
Pythagoras's Theorem has 24 words.
The Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
The Archimedes Principle - 67 words.
The Ten Commandments - 179 words.
The Gettysburg Address - 286 words.
The new European Union rules on the sale of cabbages - 26,253 words. |
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More Interesting Questions |
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up almost every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going
to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff so he could chase the Road Runner, why didn't he just buy himself a dinner?
How young can you be and still die of old age?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
When an adult is kidnapped why isn't it called adultnapped??
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
If it is zero degrees outside today and tomorrow it is supposed to be twice as cold, how cold will it be tomorrow?
If someone told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?
Aren't all rooms room temperature?
If you are driving at near the speed of light and turn on your headlights, what will you see? |
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Answers To Everything |
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Thank you to
Spike Marvin
in Scotland for the above.
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