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Please use QuickSearch Menu top right for more options
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Interesting Questions
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when
you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all
the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling
your @rse?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the
first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is
Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in
the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns
the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and
say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here
and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking
for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they
ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called
a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable
oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there
are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe
them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere,
you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of
Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a
dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him
on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
My Mother was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my Father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
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Contribute!
If you, like me, don't take life too seriously, and
have something amusing to share with others on this
page, then why not drop me a line and I'll see what
I can do.
Paul at castleprint.co.uk |
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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f**king
bastard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and
said, "Teddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge
you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Teddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years
I lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a
f**king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
===================
Thanks to Kerry's brother in Oz.
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LOOKING FOR
Kids! Bless 'em! Very amusing answers given by kids to a school quiz! ??
<CLICK HERE> |
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Interesting Questions contd. |
If swimming is such exercise, why are whales fat?
If a word is spelled wrong in the dictionary, how would you know?
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a cat always lands on its feet and buttered bread always lands butter side down,
what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Do cows have calf muscles?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered
a bank robbery?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple
in it?
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with
letters that aren't even in the word?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything,
wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph
downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked
from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking
faster than the speed of sound?
What does OK actually mean?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but
have to get it off our chests?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone can't hear, they're deaf,
so what do you call people who can't smell?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st –
January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?
What would happen if everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
Why is it you're 'in' a film, but you're 'on TV'?
Do ducks sneeze?
Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
Can crop circles be square?
Can you cry under water?
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Female Laws To Live By
The female always make the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all times.
The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all times.
Thank you to Spike Marvin
in Scotland for the above
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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: |
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You get better chance of being Prime Minister.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another service station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £1000. Suit rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
You are not afraid of spiders.
One wallet and one pair of shoes
One colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Thanks to Peter in the Midlands
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Meet
some of the great-looking Team!
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Ron Hill
(Partner, Sales/Costings)
Tel: 01635 522447
Contact: < contact Ron here >
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| Contact Ron if you
need any information regarding materials, 4 colour work,
pricing etc.
Ron recently led an expedition to the Majal region in north-eastern
Tibet in search of the near-extinct 3-toed albino mountain
lion. The expedition was abandoned after the team doctor
was savagely attacked by a wounded Sherpa who had previously
left the team to make a solo attempt (blindfolded) at scaling
Tibet's 5th highest peak Mt. Kanburo.
Ron's passion is golf and he can often be found at the
19th hole.
Ron also likes green socks.
Breaking News: Kevin, the wounded Sherpa unfortunately
failed in his attempt at scaling Mt. Kanburo blindfolded
due to navigation errors, and was last seen operating the
gherkin slicing machine at Macdonalds, Katmandu.
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| Contact Paula if you
need any information regarding general
sales enquiries/accounts.
Paula is a keen wine buff and is fluent in
a number of languages.
She recently represented England in the International
Break Dancing Championships in which she came 83rd. Just
click
here to see a fantastic picture of Paula in action.
Paula is a keen musician and recently won a scholarship to the Bulgarian Nose Flute Academy, but had to decline their offer as she is still under contract as Musical Relaxation Officer to the Lhakpa Nyima Clinic (Katmandu branch) for Sherpas Suffering from Vertigo.
Breaking News: Regular readers will
be sad to learn that Paula's pet Vietnamese Pot-Bellied
Pig (no, not her husband) ( see
pic here), suffered an unprovoked attack by a vicious
car park attendant on a recent trip to Alton Towers. On
arrival at the scene, medics determined there was nothing
they could do to save the car park attendant. Paula was
held for questioning by the police, but later released on
bail with a warning not to take the law into her own hands.
Her sisters (see
pic here) have written to the European Courts for Human
Rights, and Rolf Harris, to make a formal complaint about Paula's treatment.
Brenda, the pig, has made a full physical recovery but is
receiving ongoing psychiatric treatment to deal with the
trauma of this terrible incident.
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Paul Hruza BSc
(Partner, Graphics / Pre-Press Webmaster / Tea Boy / Muso)
Tel: 01635 522447
Send private msg: < HERE > |
| Contact
Paul if you need any information regarding artwork,
design, media, website design or if you just need tips on
looking great!
Paul was recently voted Berkshire's most eligible bachelor
by Printing Weekly magazine. Apart from the fact he has
a wife and 3 ankle biters he is very proud of this achievement.
Paul works as a stunt man in his spare time. He recently
featured in the hit movie Mission Impossible 2 in which
he can be seen leaping from a 3 storey building. Unfortunately,
he missed the airbag and broke both ankles on impact. He
tried to claim off the insurance but was told he didn't
have a leg to stand on.
Regular readers of this column may have noticed that Paul now has the title BSc after his name. It has taken many years of struggle and hardship to achieve this status and Paul is understandably very proud to be recognised with this honour. In his own words, "I've only been swimming for 38 years and finally have the recognition that very few achieve. I'm very proud of my Bronze Swimming Certificate and would like to publicly thank all the staff at Glodwick Public Baths (Oldham Branch) for their tireless help and support".
When not working out at the local gym, Paul can be found
riding his beloved Kawasaki Vulcan VN1500 Classic, Honda
Varadero XL1000 or Honda XR350, but not at the same time.
Paul's hobbies include ironing, flower arranging & arm wrestling.
Paul makes all his own dresses :~)
Paul's other interests include music, and he has uploaded a couple of
self-penned tunes (instrumentals) that can also be heard on the company 'music - on - hold' facility. Follow this << LINK >> to hear the tracks.
Contact Charlene should you need any info
on design-related issues.
Charlene has recently joined our team after spending the
past 3 months working as a senior design technician in the
particle accelerator section for a very large UK-based company.
"Mothercare has been very good to me", says Charlene,
"but times change, and a new challenge was just what
I needed". Her hobbies include: ballroom dancing, ten-pin
bowling, badminton, astronomy, golf, shopping, ironing &
ballooning.
Charlene and her dancing partner Leonard recently represented
the North Hampshire Ballroom Dancing Association, winning
a bronze medal in the agility & poise category at the
Albert Hall.
"I've always loved dancing", says Charlene, "but
was gutted when I reaslised me and Len only got a bronze!
We were definitely the best dancers that night and deserved
gold. My Mum reckoned it was because of Len's bowel problem.
It always happens when he's a bit nervous, but I try not
to think about it. Even Brian, the St. John's ambulanceman,
said it was an honour to be chosen as medical advisor for
the evening, although he wasn't that impressed dealing with
Len's problem."
"The Albert Hall Home for the Elderley in Basingstoke
has always been a great venue as the accoustics are fabulous.
They even laid on a 3 course meal for all the dancers! The
van driver who delivered the food said the residents of
the Home would be a bit short on carrots that evening as
he had made sure we all had extra helpings. I could easily
get used to this star treatment! Being a celebrity is not
without its problems though, in fact, the very next day
I was recognised in the Post Office and it took me nearly
half an hour to get out. Mind you, it was lunchtime and
they were a bit short
staffed but nevertheless, it's just another facit of my
life I have to live with."
"Paul thinks he's a big shot now, after appearing on
the Apprentice, but everyone knows who the real star is!
I mean, which makes better viewing, some idiot prancing
about sucking up to Sir Alan Sugar, or the tasteful elegance
and sophistication only an exponent of the classical artform
of dance can bring to the equation? "
Charlene is currently receiving medical treatment.
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Dave Butcher
(Credit Controller)
Tel: ex. dir
Contact: not available |
| |
Dave has just joined us after working for 3 years as Junior Orthodontist at the Simon Cowell International Teeth-Whitening Academy.
Prior to that, he was Head of Security at Billingsgate Fish Market in London. He tells us this demanding position taught him the neccessary skills to deal with any breach of security issue. We have yet to see his credentials, but Dave tells us he is trained in all major martial arts and is often heard to say, 'don't mess with me, or else'. I was personally threatened by Dave, (at his interview), so I am not sure how he actually got a position here in our company.
He originally applied for the position of guillotine operator so I am not sure how he got to be credit controller, and this is still being looked into.
Dave is single and enjoys cooking, plane-spotting and mud-wrestling.
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please be patient while movie loads |
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Many of you may have recently seen the BBC2 series 'The
Apprentice'.
Paul applied as a candidate for this series and was quickly
recognised to be a superb businessman, with the killer instinct
so necessary in this dog-eat-dog world we live in.
Sir Alan was so impressed with Paul's boyish good-looks,
his witty charm and business acumen, that he immediately
arranged for Paul to take control of his Hong Kong operation.
The downside to this was that Paul would not be available
to appear on the program, but alternatively, would act as
Sir Alan's chief advisor on the forthcoming series. (Honest!!
Look, pictures don't lie!!)
Unfortunately, Hong Kong hasn't quite happened yet as Paul
was arrested en-route for slapping a lady boy in Tiger Joe's
Tavern, in downtown Phuket. He was trying on a pair of lycra
cycling shorts at the time, purchased from a visiting timeshare
salesman from Benidorm, when the altercation took place.
His psychiatrist has since made an appeal on Paul's behalf,
stating that he was wrongfully arrested as the lady boy
mistook Paul for Bob Monkhouse. Paul has since apologised
to Mr Monkhouse and has returned the travel documents found
in the Ikea chest of drawers with laminated top in Mr Monkhouse's
dressing room at the London Palladium.
All charges have now been dropped, apart from the streaking
incident last Christmas at the Blackpool Theatre Royal,
featuring Jim Davidson as Aladdin with a great supporting
cast and the Albert Todd Orchestra.
Insider News!!
"Being on the inside of such a wonderful programme
brings back many happy memories" says Paul. "
Obviously, my contract forbids me to speak about all my
experiences, but I remember one day outside the boardroom.
The candidates were nervously waiting to be called into
the boardroom, and I was chatting to the receptionist. Six
of the candidates started kicking and punching Saira. Sir
Alan walks in and says to me, 'Aren't you going to help?'
I said, 'No, six should be enough.' He laughed!
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| Disclaimer
All the above text is based on fact. No pictures have been
'doctored' in any way. OK, I lied about the pig. - Paul |
^ back to top of page ^
Watch This Space! Coming Soon!
The identity of BBC Top Gear's 'The Stig'
will finally be revealed here!
Popular theory is that he is a current F1 driver. I can report that this is indeed a misconception. All will be revealed shortly, backed-up with photographic evidence.
Check back soon!!
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Breaking News!
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Celebrity Testimonial from 'The Stig'.
"Hi, my name is The Stig. You may have seen me on BBC2's Top Gear. I recommend Castle Print & Design for all my stationery requirements. Their service is second to none. I've just received my latest brochure and it looks great! I always use Castle Print & Design because they all look great. Paul is particularly handsome and we spend lots of time together talking about fashion and stuff like that. He's great". |
^ back to top of page ^
Kids! Bless 'em!
Answers to history tests and Sunday school quizzes given by children between 5th and 6th grade in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.
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Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he
was sort of busy too.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is
apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits and
threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
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Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and
started smoking.
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was
very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.
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On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got Shot in
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
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Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
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Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
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Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
hundred men.
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Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
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Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was
really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without
watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
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Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
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Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
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This says it all
True Facts:
Can you imagine working for a company that has fewer than 700 employees and boasts the following statistics?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year [This totals 373.]
Can you guess which organisation this is?
Yes, our very own House of Commons ,
The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
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Declaration of Revocation
by John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low
doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph. "It´s better than 'Derek'."
Thanks to Mark Gibbons - Senior Orthodontist at the Simon Cowell International Teeth Whitening Academy.
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind, but, if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg. test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, That sounds like a Visa card", says the salesman. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
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Thanks, to Mr Doug Delbridge of Newbury. |
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Paul's music performed on the Yamaha Tyros2 |
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The Tyros2 is a digital arranger workstation which is a keyboard that can record direct to hard-disk in CD quality. It also features an in-built sequencer, which allows you to overdub multple tracks in the same song. Perfect for adding Drums, Bass, Strings, Piano etc. |
| The following tracks have been compressed into mp3 format and benefit from listening with headphones in Windows Media Player, or similar. The following links will take you to box.net where you can download the song, or play it immediately, (not recommended, as the Box.Net mp3 player is not great quality. Far better to download and play through Windows Media Player). |
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Track 1. Paul's Bossa (original) - The Tyros features a wonderful Concert Guitar so this is the first tune I ever produced on it.
Link to mp3 HERE |
Track 2. Weird One (original) - Just a musical idea at this stage, hence the strange ending.
Link to mp3 HERE |
Track 3. Late Night Chill (original) - Had a bash at using the Saxaphone sound in the Tyros. No particular melody, just a simple chord sequence that ended up a bit bluesy.
Link to mp3 HERE |
Track 4. Lady Madonna (cover song) - Yep, the Beatles' classic. Just had a go at arranging this as an instrumental. Went for a really 'live' sound, so bum notes, mistiming etc. all left in.
Link to mp3 HERE |
Track 5. Boogie Tonk (original) This is an old-style boogie-woogie. All parts played manually (including drums) on the keyboard and features piano and brass section. Went for a 'loose & live' feel.
Link to mp3 HERE |
Track 6. Dixie Tonk (original) This is a short mixture of Dixie and Honky Tonk. All parts played manually (apart from the main drum track) on the keyboard and features piano, trombone, clarinet, banjo and a wonderful de-tuned (pub-style) piano.
Link to mp3 HERE |
Track 7. Drum Mania (original) I fancied trying something totally different for a change, and came up with this short piece. It's not a proper tune as such, more incidental background music. The main thing was the drums, I just wanted to put something together that would fit the 'street drum band' genre, if that makes sense. I also wanted a 'dark' feel. See what you think.
Link to mp3 HERE
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Track 8. Big Band JAM (original) This was posted as a bit of fun to a forum I frequent. Purely meant for others to jam with, it's done in a big band style. All parts manually played, apart from the main drum track.
Link to mp3 HERE |
Track 9. Techno Tonk (original) This is a multi-tracked electronic style I put together. Started with just a bass drum, then added synth bass and built up the tune from there.
Link to mp3 HERE |
If you phone Castle Print & Design anytime and are put 'on-hold' then you will hear the above boogie (track 5) playing.
If you want to leave me any comments then this can be done HERE
I'm not good, but I'm loud! |
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Airplane maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
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(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
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(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
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(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
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(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
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(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
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(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
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(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF = Identification Friend or Foe)
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(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
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(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
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(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
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(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics |
| Thanks to Ian in Canada for the above |
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With all the news on TV lately about the extreme weather conditions affecting the East coast of the US , the mud slides in the Middle East and South America, along with the dire predictions made by such films as The Day After Tomorrow, we shouldn't forget that Britain has its share of devastation too.
I've attached a photo illustrating the damage caused to a friend's home from the earthquake that hit Lincolnshire the other night. I just hope they can get things back to normal very quickly. It would be awful to have to endure these conditions for too long.
It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things for granted. This is the sort of thing that happens to other people, but it could so easily have been you or me. |
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Helfenburg House, New Greenham Park, Newbury,
Berkshire RG19 6HN United Kingdom.
Tel: 01635 522447 Fax: 01635 522449
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| Universal Truths
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square
ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a
pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with
a complete stranger.
You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green
crisps.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits
55378008 into a calculator
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really
manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law
or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn
up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your
school.
The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild
is to call your teacher mum or dad.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would
kill you at the first given opportunity.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,
flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
You never ever run out of salt.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel
when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody
who has had their arm broken by a swan.
The most painful household incident is wearing socks
and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside
a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is
not putting it in a fruit salad.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire
with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the
fire brigade.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals,
then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible
idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they
want sex? Me neither. |
Contribute!
If you've enjoyed reading this far then why not make
my task easier and send in an amusing joke or short
story.
How about some amusing pics?
C'mon, don't be shy!
Paul |
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Famous Quotations |
"I was so incensed I was trembling with anger. I couldn't believe what I had heard."
Footballer Ashley Cole,on being told Arsenal was prepared to pay him just £55,000 a week, not the £60,000 he had demanded.
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"London is extremely expensive. It is better to rent."
Chelsea's Michael Ballack, who earns just £130,000 a week.
----------------------------------------
How long is red tape?
Pythagoras's Theorem has 24 words.
The Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
The Archimedes Principle - 67 words.
The Ten Commandments - 179 words.
The Gettysburg Address - 286 words.
The new European Union rules on the sale of cabbages - 26,253 words.
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Three women -- one german, one japanese and a hillbilly -- were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound.
The german pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech.
Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The hillbilly woman finally said, "well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."
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Thanks, to Mr T. Wingrove of London. |
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More Interesting | |
